Grief Sandwich

 On August 16, 2026, my 9 year old daughter was baptized. 

29 years earlier, on August 17, 1997, my mom took her life. 

One declared that she was surrendering her life to Jesus, ultimately leading to more life. 

The other was overcome with grief, sorrow, and the weight of the world, ultimately leading to death. 

To say that my heart has been on a roller coaster that week is an understatement. Sunday- Baptism, Monday - anniversary of my mom's death, Tuesday- first day of school for my kiddos. At the end of the first day of school, I was processing all of this with my love. I told him I felt so lucky and honored to get to witness these things. My mom didn't get to see me turn 9, get baptized, or start 4th grade. By the grace of God, I got to be there for it all. He told me luck had nothing to do with it. He reminded me that I have worked really hard to process trauma, heal, and press into Jesus to break that cycle. I know that luck isn't the right word, but it's hard to describe the feeling - honored, blessed, so, so, so grateful. Every smile, laugh, snuggle, question- I gather them up as little treasures that I feel so lucky to get to experience, because I know that there is no guarantee of tomorrow. 

The rest of the week was tough. I experienced a wave of grief that was pushed aside to accomplish the things on my list. The good things that I have said yes to. The things I both have to and want to do. My job didn't stop. My friendships didn't pause. Homeschooling needed to be done. My home needed tending to. My family needed me. But if I've learned anything about grief, it's that it demands to be felt. It will force it's way to the surface at the most inopportune time to be faced head-on. I took a sick day from work to give my body and mind rest. My head ached, but I tried to do things that brought me joy and rest. I prayed, and journaled, and processed, and took headache medicine, and hydrated, and rested. 

So here are some things worth celebrating that are helping me with grief:

- I have been reading through the whole Bible. I started a plan that was supposed to take me 60 days. In reality, it has taken me more like 90 days, but I only have 1 more day left. It's something that I try to do every year, and it's incredible how God brings me to the right passages at the right time.

- I have been consistently working out. I don't love running, but I'm getting better. I am pushing myself in weight training and getting stronger. I have loved getting to work out with my love as well. Pursuing a goal with your spouse has a special elixir in it that makes you fall in love with them more. I don't know how to explain it any other way. 

- I am doing a devotional with some friends from my church. Reading the devo and scripture and processing it with safe, loving people is so healing. 

- I have fun trips planned. It's healing and exciting to have something to look forward to. 

- I have been reading more. Books that feed my mind and make me a better person, as well as some books that are just fun. 

- I have been intentional with fueling my body with foods, supplements, and water that help me feel better as a whole. You might not notice how the food you are eating is impacting your mood and wellbeing. Try paying attention and see what you find. 

- I am still taking entirely too many pictures. I will never regret it. Don't believe me? I currently have 53,837 pictures and videos in my phone. I will never get tired of capturing the beauty of this life I get to experience. 

I haven't done everything right, nor will I ever be able to do everything right. In fact, my body physically reminds me that I am not processing stress and grief well enough on a regular basis. 

However, I am anchored to an unshakeable hope. I know that the cycle is broken. I am free.