Allowing myself to be human

On Friday night, I went to a friend's house to read our Bibles and pray. Women of different backgrounds with different stories - coming together with the common purpose of seeking God and reading His word. It was a powerful night sharing stories of God's goodness and encouraging one another. 

After leaving an event like that, you might expect I rode a high the whole way home. That is, quite literally, the opposite of what happened. Instead, I was filled with a horrible feeling of inadequacy. I sent a message to one of my best friends telling her about the night, and my reflections. It was a rambled mess of insecurity and inner dialogue. Being an external processor sure is embarrassing. 

There is a lot going on in my life right now. Some of it I even think I have a little control over - funny enough. I know control is a myth, yet I still try. There are so many things happening in my life right now that I couldn't even try to have control over. I have 5 dear friends of mine walking through a cancer diagnosis and healing journey right now. Two of those people are my two bosses at work. Pair that with a busy summer, working full-time remotely with little kids, and the company I work for going through a restructuring, I've been under a little more stress than usual. Usually, I can go with the flow. I'm not a typically anxious or depressed person. I know, deep in my roots, that God is good. That faith, paired with some excellent compartmentalization born from childhood trauma, creates this mediocre functioning human writing this post today. But I guess it works until it doesn't. 

Sunday morning, I was busy. I ran to CVS to pick up pictures for a poster I was creating for Sprite. After I finished the poster, the rest of the morning was normal Sunday routine - fixing hair, getting ready, eating breakfast, helping the little ones get ready for church. We were ready a little early, so we were sitting at the table while the little kids ate a snack. I started feeling a tightness in my chest. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I could breathe, but not fully. It felt achy and pestering. I tried to brush it off like it was nothing, but then I started feeling a little light-headed. It just kept getting worse. My hubs convinced me to go get checked out. 

We spent the next 5 hours at the ER for them to run a lot of expensive tests and take really expensive pictures to tell me that everything is fine. Except for my heart rate dipping down at weird intervals, all of my bloodwork and tests say I'm healthy - but I still felt the same. I still feel the same today, writing this a couple days later. They sent me home with a few prescriptions and a referral to a cardiologist. 

One of my dear friends from the prayer night says that she thinks it's a spiritual attack. Through our conversation, we hypothesized that maybe I just compartmentalized too well and it's manifesting in my body. I don't know. I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore. My chest feels heavy and tight - like I can't get a full breath of air. I cut out caffeine because it was making the feeling worse, which makes me think that maybe it is anxiety. 

So now what? Now I do what I know will work, and I try things that I think will work, and eventually we figure it out. 

Worship, rest, work, move my body, speak kindly, take my supplements, laugh with my kids, get help around the house, encourage someone else, memorize scripture, be honest, write, cry, speak the name of Jesus, focus on nutrition, take slow deep breaths, be kind to myself, limit social media. 

Also, I will follow up with a cardiologist, and maybe get some more hormone bloodwork done as well. 

I want to have an unshakeable faith that God is good and in control. I also want to remember that I am human and grief demands to be felt, so I need to make time and space to kindly allow myself to be human.