I'm doing my best.

A mom used the edge of the table my husband and I were sitting at to repack her diaper bag. Her son came over and specifically wanted her water, and her water only. We made light conversation about how, of course, mom's water was going to be better than the water in his cup. She apologized for using our table, and we assured her that it wasn't a problem; we had been there. In some respects, we are still there, leaning on others during moments of overwhelm in parenthood and life. I told her that I missed our kiddos being as little as hers. She admitted that, being currently in the thick of toddlerhood, she doesn't think she will miss it. We sympathized and told her that it gets easier in some ways. I'm not sure if I showed it on my face, but internally, I sighed at all the ways I feel it gets harder. The exhaustion morphs from physically chasing a toddler to arguments, worry, and picking my battles. It will continue to change as they get older and experience more of life. It's exciting, and scary, and sad. 

I want to remember it all. I want to bottle up the memories of my boy's voice straining to move an octave lower to formally present his sister for her ballet show - the ballet show that she made up just now in her room. I want to remember the chaos of my oldest doing a Geometry lesson, dinner on the stove, and laundry piles on the couch. There is a revolving load of clothes in the dryer that I need to fold and put away. There are shoes, Legos, homeschool books, kinetic sand, dog hair on the floor, and way too many water bottles on the table for only 3 kids. There's heartbreak, busyness, and stress. There's also breakthrough, and hope, and healing. There is a tension of living in the now and hoping for the future. 

When I talk with other moms, the consensus is that we don't think we are doing enough. I have regularly voiced that I feel inadequate and ill-equipped to raise these precious treasures that have been entrusted to me. Recently on Instagram I saw a post from HerTrueWorth that said, "God intentionally made your calling beyond your natural ability so you would have to depend on His grace to fulfill it." That is what I need - grace. Grace to do my best and let the rest just be.