Spiritual Whiplash

Like any journey, there are ups and downs. Last week while I was in the thick of heartbreak and chaos, it felt like a downward spiral. However, when I reflect, I still see a slow incline. It's a whisper of an incline in the only way that matters. The pressure in my chest was still heavy. There was a day that I would not have eaten if my husband hadn't doordashed me food to the house. That feels embarrassing to admit, but maybe someone needs to see the struggle amidst the triumph. 

Have you ever experienced spiritual whiplash? I don't know if that's an official term, but it's the only way that I can describe my life recently. Maybe it's truly the working out my salvation in fear and trembling like Philippians 2:12 says. Let me explain. 

First thing in the morning, I read a text that delivers a hefty blow of rejection. It's from a strange relationship that doesn't fully make sense to me. Being left out is not an easy thing to stomach. My heart hurting and mind reeling, I went to church where a guest speaker spoke on "The Healing of Rejection". He said, "What saves us is not the quality of our faith, but the quality of the one who saves us." He also taught about how Jesus accepted rejection so that we could have the identity of a daughter and son of the King - a royal adoption with the inheritance of heaven. How I feel or how someone else feels about me can't change the identity of my royal adoption. Later that day, I was talking with a friend about transition and letting go of things we are holding tightly to. She is a little further along her parenting journey than me, so we were chatting about our worries and uncertainty of the future paired with our hope in Jesus and knowing he is ever-present. She asked me about our school plans for this year, so I spoke about what I was excited, and what I was nervous about. Sometimes I feel wholly inadequate to steward the precious gifts God has given me. When I got home, I had a message from this friend that spoke to the depths of the desires of my heart. I don't think she understands that Jesus was speaking through her out of his kindness and love for me. It was a precious gift. 

A friend of mine recently spoke the word grace over me. At the time she gave me the word, she said that she just kept hearing grace, grace, grace, over and over again. Honestly, no other words were needed. Sometimes you have to hear things repeatedly to let them sink in. It feels like a quiet inhale and exhale of the presence of Jesus. Inhale his grace, exhale my ridiculous expectations of myself. Inhale rest, exhale the need to strive. Inhale joy letting it be my strength, exhale the facade of control over things I can't change. 

See what I mean by whiplash? Rejection, healing, insecurity, joy, overwhelmed, peace. I think a part of my brain thinks that success is not struggling. Logically, I know this is false, but connecting that to my heart is a bit trickier. The feeling of inadequacy does not make me unworthy; it makes me human, but then when I sit at the feet of Jesus, it breathes life and changes everything.

Last week felt like whiplash, but if it leads to more of Jesus, then I think that's the whole point.